Life's been very fucked up right now.
recently, i could'nt take it anymore, so i blew up.
It cost me an almost injured eye and a friendship.
friendship that was meant to last forever...

even though we patched up, the friendship was'nt like before.
it just became more superficial.

exams come and go.
i have been fucking around too much.
i've just realised why i am wasting 2 years of my short life.
since i've almost wasted almost 3/2 of it, why dont i just make the best out of it.

LOVE
i'm in love with a beautiful sweet girl.
right across my class, it's her class.
i still dont have the guts to her.
it just so...,
whenever she's so close to me.
i just don't have the damn guts.

i read kai chuen's blog just now and what he wrote there makes me ponder on some of the shit that happened to me. It was about how he said about the many shit i have already saw in NCC. Basically, as a cadet, you don't have to plan or tolerate cb people under your responsibility. Basically, you just go there for your cca and waste your time. But as leader, you start to realise how stupid things can get. The red tapes, the communication stuff, the programs and the problems go on.
Actually the main problem is the people you are going to deal with. They just don't give you the fucking respect you want when you want to get serious. Especially, when you want to get things in control so you can plan things well. Some people just don't understand how to limit themselves when they are required to be serious.
It just pisses me off. I could remember how things started to go wrong when 1 person have to say the wrong things. Its ok to joke once in a while, but when things go overboard, it can get very fucked up. My last year in NCC was really screwed up. Alot people just don't understand how difficult my post were. My stupid rank does'nt make me very happy either. I remembered a quote that said about how rank and respect is different and how respect is earned regardless of your cheebye rank. This quote make sense totally to me then.
Well, you must be wondering why i wrote this long piece of crap. Part of it relates to the problem i am facing now and part of it was because my junior told me the cadets i have trained has screwed up the unit as specialists. Usually, anyone who fucking hates NCC and all kinds of uniformed grp stuffs(like me) will not give a damn about it. But inside me, i still feel that i have some strings attached in ncc and sji itself. What my junior had said makes me guilty and angry. I'm guilty because i have not done my job well. All the recommendations and praises from my senior and officers are all wasted.

My last year in ncc really screwed up my life pretty much and so it greatly affect my attitude in last year in sji. My graduation year wasnt a fucking good one.

Aiyah, fuck la. I don't know why im typing so damn long. anyway, i will just end now.